My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
ok this is my dumbest yet
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
every college guy’s fridge
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.