Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.