i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”