[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
(True)
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Sometimes? I’m slipping