I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.