“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.