Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.