The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Good morning.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
damn he’s good
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
tourist season
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.