My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
The Backseat Boys
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”