5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
peeping toms
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)