My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.