It’s actually Dr. whatever
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Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Ummm
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Stop.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Beware…..
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.