[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
The asteroid..
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk