This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
You Might Also Like
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
How can I say no to this ?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.