The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
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On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class