I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone