Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
looks legit
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Vodka burrito was a success
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?