Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread