That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Breakfast for Stoners:
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh