and now we wait
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Barbie gone wild
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.