[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.