Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee