My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
He’s cranky this morning
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
mechanics be like
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same