I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
You Might Also Like
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree