ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
set yourself free xox
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Smooooooth