The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
You Might Also Like
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Good morning.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious