An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
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My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water