babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”