sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Just say no
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.