On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
a badder mouse
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?