What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.