Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
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cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks