Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
You Might Also Like
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…