Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Thursday