Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.