Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”