Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*sewing*
A thread
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
OMG 🤣🤣
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Remember folks 😂
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I have so many questions.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*