Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler