Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod