My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.