I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.