Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.