I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.