People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating