Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
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#merica
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.