Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN