Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.