Has there ever been a more American story?
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M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
2 years later
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.