Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
The Punning Dead.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive