16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
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My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
so i’m at the stock market right
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture